I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
