Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
