This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
