and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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