i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
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