Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
