im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize