Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize