it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
