Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
