I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
