1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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