If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
