There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
that may or may not have been my penis.
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