Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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