My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
