We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
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