I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
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