just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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