I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize