I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
