I think I am morally bankrupt
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
