i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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