Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
