I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
you didnt know i had herpes?
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Randomize
