Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Randomize
