You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Randomize
