So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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