Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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