I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
