I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I pour the whiskey from now on
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
