Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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