Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize