I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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