Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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