Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
