I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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