I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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