I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
