i already hear my dad disowning me
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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