My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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