I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
