I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
