Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
She needs sedatives and a leash
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
