sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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