Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
