I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
