I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize