You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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