I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
