this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
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