got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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