girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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