The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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