This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
