You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
you win again, gameday.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize