he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Randomize
