how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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