3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
