I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
