my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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