how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
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